Ganondorf's Evil Overlord List
by buddy w
Summary: A Zelda-fied exaggeration on 'The Evil Overlord List - TV Tropes and Idioms'. Warning: may not make complete sense to the sane mind.
1. Chapter 1

**Ganondorf's Evil Overlord list (1-10)**

**A/N: Whoo, I've been promising this for a while now. So all the lines in bold you will probably recognise from the 'Evil Overlord List- tv tropes and idioms', I've just taken some of the numbers on the list that are most appropriate in order to parody Legend of Zelda. Oh, and those bits not in bold are my... exaggerations on each number. **

**So, please read and reviews would be much appreciated. Keep in mind that this is my slightly dry attempt at humour and there is more to come. I think. **

**Disclaimer: Legend of Zelda does not, unfortunately, belong to me. And niether do any of the lines in bold. It's probably for the best. **

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**1. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.**  
"Dammit," Link swore. He shoved and squirmed, trying to squeeze his shoulder's through the hole. "Why did he have to make these ventilation ducts so small?" He shoved one more time but failed miserably. "How am I meant to get into his Castle now?" Link wailed.

**2. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small inn outside my borders will work just as well.  
**"Speak, boy!" Ganondorf roared. "Why exactly were you trying to get into my Castle?"  
"Hey, stop yelling," Link complained. "I was only doing it because Princess Zelda told me to."  
"So... you have no idea _why _exactly you were trying to destroy me?"  
Link coughed. "No, not really." There was a knock at the door.  
"Come in," Ganondorf called. A young maid opened the door shyly, holding a platter with a tall bottle and two glasses upon it.  
"Wine, milord's?" she asked. Ganondorf thought about it for a moment, then grinned.  
"Of course," he agreed. "And while we're at it, hero boy, maybe you can give me some dirt on this Princess..."

**3. The Hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.  
**"Can you at least grant me the honour of dying with my sword in my hands?" Link requested, Ganondorf's sword at his throat.  
"No," the latter replied.  
"How about a last glance at my girlfriend?"  
"No. And anyway, didn't you tell me once that she wasn't anything special compared to that whore in the inn?"  
"You what?" Zelda screeched, being held back by four of the King of Evil's monsters.  
"No, no, I didn't say anything like that, really!" Link defended. He turned his glare at Ganondorf. "I thought you said you wouldn't tell anyone!"  
"You're about to die anyway," Ganondorf pointed out.  
"If you live through this, Link," Zelda was yelling. " I swear I'll-"  
"Kill me quickly," he begged the Evil King.

**4. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will me be corrected before implantation.**  
"Why is your sword to big?" the little kid asked.  
"So I can kill several people at once," Ganondorf replied patiently.  
"And why are you wearing so many pots and pans?"  
"That's call armour, child. It's to make sure that people can't hurt me. Now, are you going to tell me if there is any flaws in my plan, or not?"  
"... You should put padlocks on your door. My mummy always says that padlocks keep the robber's out." The boy's finger went into his nose.  
"Padlocks! Of course!" Ganondorf exclaimed. "And it shall be done, child!"

**5. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.  
**"The housekeepers have been requesting some new recruits, my Lord," an advisor said. "They are offering premium 3ply toilet paper if you comply with their request. My advice is that you accept."  
"I feel this is a satisfactory deal!" Ganondorf proclaimed. "Excellent advice, advisor, excellent advice!"

**6. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the Hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.  
**"You have three mistresses, sir, why no daughters?" a member of the court asked.  
"If I had a daughter, she would not be on my side for long. And I assure you, I have many more than just three mistresses. I am the king of a race of women, after all."  
"Sir!" A Moblin ran into the room, panting. "It appears that the Hero has entered the Castle gates, sir!"  
"I see..." Ganondorf strode over to the balcony that overlooked the front courtyard. There the Hero stood, blushing slightly but grinning all the same. Three women leaned on him, kissing up his neck and on his face, fondling with his hair, tunic and hat. The King of Evil shook his head and sighed.  
"Tanya! Leya! Kirish! Get away from the boy," he ordered.  
"Do you know each of your subjects by name, sir?" the courtier questioned.  
"No, definitely not."  
"Then how do you know these women?"  
"These... are the three mistresses that you spoke of."

**7. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.  
**Link gave a quiet signal to Princess Zelda, trapped in her glass crystal-thingy. He crept as silently as he could, but stopped after a couple of steps. Something was off...  
"I see you, boy," the Evil King sneered. Link turned to him, slightly surprised.  
"So you stopped with all that crazy laughing shit?" the Hero asked.  
"Yes, you see, I found it distracted me. Also, I developed an abominable cough."  
"So what now?" Link asked hesitantly, gripping the hilt of his sword tightly in his hand.  
"Well, I was thinking that you may like a tour of the Castle, so you don't keep getting lost every time you break in here."  
"Seriously?" Link was incredulous, but agreed besides.  
"Let's start with the dungeons, shall we?" Ganondorf offered, as a large troop of Moblins marched into the room.  
"Crud," Link uttered, as he unsheathed his sword and began to fight the monsters, wondering why he hadn't suspected something like that.

**8. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths as weaknesses. Even though it takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "NO, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)  
**"Chess!" Ganondorf exclaimed, scribbling it onto a piece of parchment. "Definitely a strength, am I right?"  
"Of course, sir," A Gerudo woman replied, her voice showing that she was obviously bored.  
"And... I like... to... fight people...? What would that be classified as?"  
"It depends if you win or lose, Your Highness."  
"Well of course I always-"  
"Remember that the Hero is still not dead, even after you faced him whilst he was seven years old," she added dryly.  
"... How about we just forget about that one, shall we?" The Dark King suggested through gritted teeth.

**9. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.  
**"Send her to my bedchamber," Ganondorf ordered.  
"But... why, sir?"  
"Do I really need to go into the details?" The Gerudo almost blushed. Almost. Gerudo's don't blush.  
"No, it's just I thought you weren't going to sleep with any of the prisoners-"  
"Before I thought about it twice. I've thought about it twice, and our capture of her shouldn't be wasted."  
"So you're going to bed her? What if she turns out dangerous?"  
"... She won't be able to hide anything once she's been stripped of her clothes."

**10. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.  
**The Goron's, Sheikah, Zorah's and the Hylian's all stopped and stared as the King of Evil stepped onto the balcony. He was dressed in bright yellow and purple clothes, his usually red hair had been dyed green and the hilt of his sword shined a metallic blue. Everyone stared for a few moments; even the King's monster's themselves.  
"Let's go," the Hero sighed. "I don't think this guy's even worth killing anymore."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **

**Well, it's finally school holidays. Thank goodness, because I swear I was on the verge of a brain overload. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter and the next one should be up way sooner than this one was, hopefully in a few days. Thanks for reading, and leave a review if it tickles your fancy. **

**Disclaimer: Legend of Zelda doesn't belong to me, and niether does the Evil Overlord list.**

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**Ganondorf's Evil Overlord list (11-20)**

**11. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.** **My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.  
**The Hero and his companion sighed, seated around a fire that was dying off quickly. Link took out his ocarina and raised it to his lips, playing a soft tune. His companion, the Princess Zelda, growled under her breath.  
"Stop playing that blasted song!" she finally yelled in frustration. "I've heard it six hundred and eighty four times in the last four days!"  
"There's nothing else to do," Link complained. "Besides, it's the only song I know."  
"If you don't stop playing that song, I'm-"  
"Don't bother. Let's just go home. Ganondorf can wait until I've increased my repertoire or I've captured a comedian," Link sighed.

**12. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.  
**A large pot of stew of some sort was placed in front of the Hero. A plate of warm bread was put next to it. The Hero sighed in contentment, looked up to thank the barmaid, when he saw her face. He cringed and sunk lower into his chair. There was going to be no fun for him tonight.

**13. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.  
**"You… don't seem very displaced by this news, my lord," the Gerudo woman noted.  
"Oh, but I am," the King of Evil assured her.  
"You're not going to kill me?"  
"No."  
"You're not going to do anything about the dire situation at our hands?"  
"Oh, but I am."  
"You're not going to stop clenching your fists like that in anger?"  
"Oh, but I am."

**14. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.  
**The second in command of the Gerudo women strode briskly down the corridor, intending to visit the nursery, when a movement caught her eye. She followed in the direction the movement had come from, turning around a corner, only to find herself face to face with a huge boar. All of a sudden the great pig dashed away, and the Gerudo had to dash desperately in order to follow. Turning another corner, she gasped. Ganondorf was standing right in front of her, staring blankly.  
"..but.. I.. there was… a boar…" she stuttered.  
"Yes, yes. Thank the Goddesses you didn't decide that I looked like a good catch for a banquet and unsheathed your scimitar. I haven't yet quite mastered the methods of fighting on four legs," The King said, quite calmly.  
"That was you?"  
"Indeed."  
"What happened to the snake form?"  
"I decided against it. Besides, boars come with big pointy things on their head that could come in useful for stabbing a certain Hero."

**15. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.  
**"Damn!" The King of Evil curses, kicking in the cupboard beneath the sink he was leaning over. "The razor slipped."  
"Don't worry about it," his mother comforted. "You were bound to make a mistake, as it is only your first time shaving. And besides, your father had a goatee. I always thought him quite handsome with it."  
"Of course you did, mother, but do remember that he was King of the last generation. Also keep in mind that he died."

**16. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my monsters are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, she's my trusted lieutenant.  
**"You say we're losing, Nabooru. What can be done about it?" Ganondorf asked.  
"You're not even going to fly into a rage about us losing? I'm still going to be allowed to live?"  
"Sure, I believe your report."  
"Great. Well, you see, after the war, we also need some upgrades to the Castle and you'd better believe this, sir, as I am your trusted lieutenant. For the Castle, we need to double the rations of food, as our warriors are hungry. And Gerudo with esteemed positions should be allowed to wander everywhere and not get executed for executing another without an official order. And-"  
"Back to the war, my trusted lieutenant," Ganondorf instructed sternly. He would only take suggestions about the upgrades to the Castle from his advisors. Lieutenants were only useful in a war.

**17. When I capture the Hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret of whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.  
**"Ah ha! I got you, you pesky little, blue bast-"  
"Your language is even worse than Link's," the blue fairy commented, shaking her head.  
"What? Hey, shut up!" Ganondorf roared, shaking her around in the glass bottle she was now trapped in.  
"Ahh…! I was only here to provide him with useless fighting tips anywaaaaaayyy!" Navi squealed.

**18. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead, I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.  
**"'Wanted- the three Spiritual Stones. Call to anyone who has any three of the Spiritual Stones within their grasp'," a Gerudo woman read out loud to her sister. "'I will pay a good sum for it, Sincerely, the King of Evil.'"  
"Well, that's just wonderful. He sends us off to retrieve some lost cat that he apparently cares for dearly and he just requests people to give him these objects of power," another commented disconcertedly.  
"... You know, I never knew the King even had a cat." They pondered over the subject, the Want-Ad falling from their minds.

**19. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my monsters. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see is there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.  
**"So none of the Gerudo are available?" Ganondorf asked again.  
"No, I've already said that," replied his second in command, Nabooru, with a sigh. She sat twirling a dagger in her hand, not even bothering to grace her King with a look.  
"Not even a small group? The village is admittedly quite small. We would only need, oh, say ten or so?"  
"All are occupied."  
"Damn. Looks like the mutant Wolfos will finally get a job," the King of Evil said, shaking his head in disappointment.

**20. My monsters will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man sized target at 20 paces will be used for target practice.  
**Three Moblins were running back and forth, screaming in their own way. All their weapons and armour had been stripped, leaving them with nothing but their own hide to protect them. Not that it would protect them for long.  
"Damn," a Gerudo overseer swore. "This job is terrible. We just have to stand here all day and watch these idiots shoot like, well, idiots. I could've shot these three down in less than ten seconds, I swear."  
"But the King has said that this is to be their practice," another replied.  
"... What if all of them were to be punished for being terrible shots? Then there would be need of someone to shoot them, right?"  
"I guess so..."  
"Alright, you dumbasses," the first Gerudo ordered, taking her bow off her back. "All of you drop your weapons and armour. Stand in a line and let's see who's going to be lucky today."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **

**Greetings, good people, and let me first say how grievously sorry I am for not updating this sooner. I swear, I was going to, but I got distracted. ****Seriously**** distracted, for a whole term. **

**Anyway, thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, and I strongly encourage you to do so again. I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**buddy w**

**Disclaimer: Legend of Zelda doesn't belong to me, and niether does the Evil Overlord list**

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**21. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. **  
"Is it really necessary to read everything?" a Gerudo asked impatiently as they stood in the Temple of Time. King Ganondorf stood beside her, muttering as he read through his copy of 'How to play an Ocarina without hurting oneself'.  
"I was warned of dire consequences if I did not do it right!" the King insisted.  
"It's an ocarina, my lord. You blow into it and it makes sounds. Besides, if the Hero can use one, you can too."  
"… true, true." Ganondorf lifted the instrument to his lips and blew, perhaps a little too hard, as the flute-like instrument made a very high pitched, squeaky sound, until he stopped blowing in order to cover his ears.  
"…I think. I burst. My eardrums," he mumbled, stumbling back to the horses in extreme pain, picking up the manual as he did and vowing to return the next day after some bedtime reading.

**22. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one liner.  
**Link, the Hero of Time, turned his head sharply as the sound of a very girly sort of squealing filled the corridor, getting steadily louder. He was startled, because Gerudo didn't scream, unless it was in anger. And this scream wasn't an angry one.  
It wasn't more than three seconds before he saw the King of Evil, the King of the Gerudo, Ganondorf, pass him, running fast and screaming loudly as he passed the Hero and fled down the corridor. Link paused and thought for a moment before going after him. His fortress was crumbling, his people and monsters dead, and Link had freed the Princess. He looked and sounded so pathetic in that moment that Link seriously considered not bothering to chase after him. But why would he deprive himself of some easy prey?

**23. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.  
**"Evil."  
"Damn! Try this one."  
"King of Evil."  
"Damn! Try this one."  
"Evil King."  
"Goddess dammit! Try this one!"  
"Ganon."  
"Nabooru!" Ganondrof roared, face like thunder. "Come in here and take this wretched girl away!"  
"But you wanted someone to check your passwords," Nabooru pointed out, hurrying the little girl from the room.  
"But she's guessing all of them. It's like she can read my mind!" he wailed.

**24. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.  
**"Don't touch the pencils, Ganon," the councillor advised firmly. The Evil King's fingers twitched towards the cup that was holding a handful of motley coloured, unsharpened pencils.  
"But…"  
"Don't. Touch. The pencils." Ganondorf was glaring at the councillor now. "The only way for you to get past your obsessive compulsive disorder is to face it. So don't touch the unsharpened pencils."  
"There isn't even an even number of them," he complained gruffly. His hands were inching closer to the cup.  
"Even so, I want to you leave them-"  
"You've put green ones in there!" Ganon exclaimed, his hands still slowly making their way to the cup. "I hate green!"  
"I understand, but-" The King of Evil couldn't take it anymore. He picked up the psychiatrist by the collar and flung him across the room, followed by all the forest-coloured pencils that he oh-so despised. He stalked out of the room, remaining pencils in hand.  
"... We'll try again tomorrow," the sore, dishevelled doctor whimpered, several pencils now sticking out of the wall around him.

**25. I will spare someone who has spared my life in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.  
**Little Ganon, a boy of a mere ten years, sat on the edge of the Fortress walls, watching nothing in particular. All of a sudden, he felt a rough shove against his back and he let out a yell as he lost his precarious balance and tumbled over the side of the wall. A hand grabbed his collar and hauled him half way up, and his gaze was met by two shining golden eyes.  
"Saved your life!" the Gerudo uttered happily, keeping a firm grip on his collar. Ganon simply glared at her as best he could when he was frightened out of his wits. This was the fourth time this had happened in a week. He was not yet even King of his own people, let alone the world, and already his debts were starting to pile high.

**26. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.  
**"So, if I, say, ordered you to kill hundreds of people, what would your answer be?" The King of Evil questioned, lying lazily across his throne.  
"I would do it as fast as possible," the Gerudo answered with no hesitation. Ganondorf nodded slowly, approving.  
After several more questions, he said, "And what if I asked you to sleep with me during a lull in the goings on?"  
"It would be my pleasure," the Gerudo replied with a sly smile, cocking one eyebrow and looking at her King with a distinctly feline look. This, too, the Gerudo King approved of.  
"And what if I was dying, and the only cure was a potato. Would you offer me yours?"  
"Of course not!" the Gerudo said loudly. "I would take one off the Moblins and give it to you."  
"I like her!" Ganondorf declared after a moment of thought, standing up grandly from his throne. "In a moment of great distress, she would manage to both save my life and make sure we can enjoy dinner too!"

**27. I will instruct my monsters to attack the Hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.  
**Link stood in the middle of a mass of Moblins, sword in one hand and shield in the other. Sweat was literally dripping off him and his breath came in shallow gasps. He was exhausted.  
"What happened to fighting one on one?" he cried. "Have you lost all honour?"  
"If you wanted your death to be an honourable one," the King of Evil drawled from atop a balcony where he stood, watching, "Perhaps letting the noble Princess run a sword between your ribs the first time you met would have been a better option."

**28. If the Hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering).  
**Two swords clanged against each other. Ganon sneered at the Hero locking swords with him; there was no chance the boy could win.  
Link's footwork was light and sometimes it even looked like his feet were dancing. However, the King of Evil stood steadily on both feet, swinging his heavy sword powerfully but barely moving his legs at all. Then, all of a sudden, the green-clad Hero's arms went flailing. His sword dropped from his hand a second before he himself hit the ground.  
"Ah ha!" Ganon crowed. "After all that training on tiny ledges and tumbling rocks, you fall over your feet when you're fighting me on normal ground! Perhaps you can get used to walking on flat, unmoving earth while you rot in my dungeon."

**29. If I have a temporary fit of insanity and decide to give the Hero the chance to reject a job as my lieutenant, I will retain enough insanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.  
**"Listen, buddy," Ganon said softly. "Why don't you become my lieutenant? I'm sure the pay is much better than what you've got at the moment."  
"But don't already have a lieutenant?" Link questioned. "And why exactly are you asking me this when our swords are locked and you've got that ridiculous helmet on?"  
"Yes, but I'm starting to get sick of her. She's absolutely no good as a drinking partner. And it's because I don't want her to think that I'm asking you to replace her as I know exactly how sharp her blade can get."  
"If I said I'll think about taking the job, what would you do?"  
"Lead you to a tower under the pretence that you've surrendered and let you sleep on it." Link considered for a moment. Then, gesturing out in front of him, he said, "Lead the way."

**30. I will not tell my monsters, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."  
**"So... you killed her?" Ganon asked. For the sixth time.  
"Mm hmm, mm hmm," his Moblins all nodded. Twenty three stood before him in a line, all using the same movement. It's like they had been choreographed.  
"You were bringing her back to me..."  
"Mm hmm, mm hmm."  
"... As a prisoner..."  
"Mm hmm, mm hmm."  
"And you killed her because she stole your potato."  
"... mm hmm, mm hmm."  
Ganon sighed deeply and shook his head. One brave Moblin stepped forward out of the line to inform him matter-of-factly, "You see, sir, we only get one potato."

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**Before you leave a review like I know you were just about to, take a moment to check out my new forum, Spark Prompts. I can't put the link in here, but it's on my profile, so please, just click away, and ****I would really love a few of you to take part in the prompt I currently have up.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Again, sorry for the long wait. Also, I apologise for the fact that I think my humour's getting worse. **

**Disclaimer: ****Legend of Zelda doesn't belong to me, and neither does the Evil Overlord list**

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**31. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.  
**"The Hero is a man, sir."  
"Really?" Ganon replied sarcastically. "I didn't notice."  
"And Gerudo's are all women."  
"Thank you for pointing that out."  
"So... who will guard the prisoner?" Ganon considered for a moment.  
"Use a few Moblins. I have no idea what gender they are, though I created them. I am sure that the Hero will not become bosom friends with them, anyhow. The smell is abominable."

**32. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated. Eg. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead, it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."  
**Ganon's plan to take over the world  
1. Take over the entire world, save what it protected by the Hero.  
2. Climb to the tallest mountain in Hyrule, kill a goat, eat said goat, bring back its fourth and fifth vertebrae, boil said vertebrae in concoction of wine, water, sand and Moblin's blood, then drink new concoction, as a sort of celebration.  
3. Climb to the top of the second highest mountain in Hyrule, sniff a purple rose, pluck off all its petals and throw each petal off the mountain one at a time, save one.  
4. Leave a note for the Hero in the inn he is rumoured to be staying at with the one remaining petal attached to it. Letter should outline exactly what you want, when you want it done by and what dress the Princess should be wearing when captured.  
5. Hire new lieutenant and kill several Moblins.  
6. Kill a few more Moblins while waiting for the Hero to arrive. Also, brush teeth.  
7. Fight Hero and win. Make sure to laugh when he is lying on the ground, bleeding.  
8. Take over what part of the world was under the Hero's protection.  
9. When thirsty, pull the lever beside throne.

**33. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.  
**"Has the Princess escaped again?" Ganon asked urgently.  
"N... no, sire," the messenger breathed. She was leaning against the pillar in the middle of the room, panting.  
"The Hero is getting closer?"  
"No, si.. sire."  
"Hyrule Castle has burnt down?"  
"No, sire."  
"The rest of the fortress has burnt down?" he asked agitatedly.  
"No... sire."  
"Then what?"  
"We're out of potatoes, sir." Ganon paused his fiddling with the red material of the chair he sat in for a moment.  
"Oh, you're right, that is bad news."

**34. If I ever get around to sending the Hero a message, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance had given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Hero's are incredibly gullible in this regard).  
**"Uh... sir?" a young Gerudo asked. Ganon grunted in reply. "I thought we were going to take over Hyrule in the months the Hero was leaving us alone."  
"Ah, but where's the fun in that? Besides, I requested four months, and I have only booked this inn by the beach for one. Don't worry, we'll still have three months in which to conquer the country in." The Gerudo woman nodded in reply. Eyes still closed, Ganon leaned forward in his chair and pointed to his bare back. "Now, I'm certain you wouldn't mind rubbing some lotion into my back so it doesn't get burnt." The Gerudo nearly gagged.

**35. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a trinket of purely sentimental value.  
**The Moblins continued to shove him forward, ignoring the fact that he looking around desperately for something.  
"No, no, please stop for a moment!" the Hero of Time urged. The Moblins did stop for a moment, just one, while their Gerudo commander wasn't looking. Link reached out and grabbed the colourful feather that Saria had given him for his eighth birthday from where it lay on a nearby shelf. He clutched it close to his chest as the Gerduo approached.  
"Oh no, you're not taking that with you," she decided. Harshly, she plucked it out of his grasp and let it flutter to the ground. "Now, let's go." Link's complaints were hushed quickly by a swift thwack to back of his head and, bleary eyed, he continued forward and out of his little home. The Gerudo watched the Moblins from the back of group, ducking down for just a moment before following them. "This'll fetch a nice price," she wagered softly, tucking the rare feather into a pocket of her uniform.

**36. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find that are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance has forced them together against their will, and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other's lives as which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.  
**Link and Zelda walked through the market place, hand in hand. Zelda at a stall to have a look at a collection of shell necklaces. Link gazed upon her beautiful form with gentle eyes, a small smile on his face. From the corner of his eye, he spotted a not-so-sneaky Moblin duck behind a store. He sighed, then turned his attention back to Zelda. He put his hand on the small of her back and led her away from the stall. She kissed him on the corner of the jaw as they walked.  
In the middle of the Market, there is a square used for public announcements and hangings. Today it was being used for the latter. A young couple had their fingers interlaced as a noose was placed around each of their neck's. Link gave Zelda an outwardly smile.  
"Thank the Goddesses we're a happy couple," he forced out from between his teeth. Zelda nodded, kissing him again, this time on the cheek. Her eye twitched.

**37. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free alcohol and invite them all to a made up festival every other day.  
**"Ooh hoo, ever since that... Ganon-guy took over the greater part of Hyrule," a man slurred, doing his best to keep his head up, "life's been... Great!"  
"I know! Especially since he's... bought festivals from far... away lands... with him." The other man's head hit the table with a bang, and a moment later a loud snore came from him. His long green hat had slipped off his head and onto the table, revealing his blonde hair, and his long sword leaned against his stool, forgotten.

**38. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word 'mercy'; I simply choose not to show them any. **  
"Please, sir, show some mercy!" begged a young man who had been caught trying to steal from the King Of Evil. Aforementioned King stood before the hysterical lad, eyes narrowed.  
"You want me to show compassion or kind forbearance toward you, an offender and therefore enemy of my throne?" Ganondorf laughed heartily, noting that his courtiers looked suitably impressed at his vast knowledge and precise, definitive memory of the language dictionary. The man on the ground looked up at him, hopefully. "No." Ganon signalled to the guards to drag the man off as he began screaming. "He will be hung at sundown."

**39. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.  
**"Ganondorf is an evil man! He usurped the throne from the family who has ruled this land for centuries, and is only using it as his base to create an army of evil and then take over the rest of the world!" Link stopped his tirade to take a deep breath, then exhaled loudly when he noticed that no one had even stopped to spare him a glance. "Don't you see?" he cried from atop the platform in the centre of the market square in Castle Town. "Ganondorf is a terrible, evil man!"  
"Sure buddy," a man with a nasally voice sneered as he passed.  
"That's what the guy last week said, too!" another townsperson said, angrily shaking his fist at Link.  
Link climbed off the platform, hung his head and went to find somewhere he could have a drink.

**40. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.  
**Ganondorf stood at the entrance of his fortress, his cloak billowing grandly in the wind, as he watched the masses approach. From afar, the group seemed tiny. However, they quickly evolved from seemingly two men, to a group, to a flock, to an army, and then split into several armies. The races had united against him, and they were barely a stone's throw away. Without a hint of panic, Ganon twirled majestically, his cloak still blowing wonderfully in the wind, and opened the door to his fortress; a normal-sized door, that was cut into the huge sixty-foot double doors that were painted on the front of his fortress. Just as he disappeared through the door and shut it quickly behind him, bracing it shut with his weight, he heard multiple bangs and crashes as the armies ran straight into the painted walls of his fortress.


End file.
